"don't pour oil into fire"

I am not going to tell everything about what has happened to me recently. It is about a friend of mine, who I used to label him as my 'best friend forever' but unluckily he is also my colleague. There was a turning point where I have to make a radical changes for the betterment of the department. To cut the story short, because of misunderstanding the whole story was twisted and changed. From his view, I am the bad boy and he is always the good man who is being victimized. Anyway, I requested for not pouring oil into fire.If I bring myself down to his level the situation would turn from bad to worse. I don't think I could find someone who is capable of pouring oil on troubled water. I choose to mum the words, since that is the best solution to protect my self in term of psychological 'safety'.

I've found this article and I would like to share the points here. The title is "How to Not Let Criticism Affect your Self-Confidence".


There are two types of criticism:
(i). the kind that is meant to be constructive
(ii). the kind that is meant to be destructive.

Of course when someone gives you constructive criticism, you should listen to what they’re saying, determine whether or not what they’re saying is the truth and find ways to change it.

Constructive criticism is helpful because it helps you look at yourself as other people perceive you. It can help you change your direction in life to a path more beneficial.

Sometimes, however, we’re faced with criticism that is destructive. This type of criticism serves no other purpose but to tear you down and make you look worse than you really are.

Destructive criticism usually comes in these forms:

1. Derogatory names

2. Subtle put-downs in front of groups of people

3. Attacks against your character

4. Insults concerning your intelligence


The six reasons why people degrade you:

It can be a bewildering experience to be condemned by someone when you can’t think of a good reason why they’re acting that way. You probably never did anything to that person yet they’re saying such awful things about you all the sudden. There are a multitude of reasons why they act the way they do and none of them make sense. They include:

1. Bigotry – The people who condemn you probably think that all beliefs and cultures which differ from theirs are inferior. Many even have intense anger and hatred for people who are different enough from them. Though they may not admit it publicly, they will give you subtle hints every now and then that would make most people feel uncomfortable.

2. "Us vs. Them” Attitude – Since the dawn of time, people united together in groups simply because they shared a common enemy. Sometimes the hatred they felt served no logical purpose and what started off as small erupted into mindless sensationalism. This is an example of bigotry in a group setting.

3. Lack of Empathy – These people often have zero empathy for people who are different from them. This gives them the false impression that they can treat certain groups of people as cruelly and callously as they determine without consequences.

4. Grandiose Self-Worth – People who look down on others tend to think irrationally high of themselves. Self-confidence is an admirable quality but arrogance can be very dangerous to an individual. Arrogance, when left unchecked, will allow someone to become so blind to their own weaknesses that those flaws grow into something that not only hurts themselves but the people that they care about.

5. Failure to Accept Responsibility for Own Actions – Sometimes people hold themselves back from the finer things in life because of their own actions. But they refuse to admit this to themselves. Instead they think that everyone who goes far in life must have something morally wrong with them while they themselves are somehow “better people” because they never “sold out.” But if they were given a chance to switch places, they’d do it in a heart beat.

6. Envy – Some of these people love to be the center of attention. And they view other people’s success as an attack on their own self-esteem. When they see someone outshining them (who they don’t approve of) they’ll find any way possible to disparage that person. But if they’re not careful, that envy could grow into hate, and that hate could grow into insanity.

Don’t bring yourself down to their level

When you meet people who want to tear you down, do not give them attention.
If you respond in kind, you’re only playing into their hands.
They want you to play their games so that they’ll have more reasons to make you look like a bad person to others.

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” – Mark Twain

When someone acts like a fool, don’t bring yourself down to their level. Instead, try to lift them up to your level—as respectfully and sincerely as you can. If they don’t accept, at least you know that you tried to be a person of class and decency.

Stay focused on your goals

The best thing you can do when faced with unreasonable people is to stay focused on your goals and keep moving forward. Every second you spend wrestling in the mud with pigs holds you back from excellence–remember that. If you can take criticism without losing faith in yourself, it is you who has class.

People who enjoy disparaging people who mean no harm to anyone are small thinkers. But if you think big and focus on the great things you’ll be doing in the future, you’ll be the real winner of any confrontation you come across.